Sewell’s sticks

Today’s New York Times noted that the on the site 43Things.com, where people post their customized “life lists” of things-to-do-before-I-die, 65 people are counting “pull a prank involving 100 lawn gnomes” as a must-perform-before-I-croak activity.

I checked out the site myself and found that there are now 69 people committed to that particular brand of yard-ornament mayhem. I think it’s a delightful goal to have and hope they all follow through on it and that I get to see the pictures when they do.

I, however, would never commit myself to pulling a prank with 100 yard ornaments before I die. I’m a pragmatist and don’t like wasting my energy. So, the amount of effort involved in procuring 100 lawn gnomes — probably through questionable means — and figuring out what to do with them wouldn’t really be worth the amusement I would get out of it in the end, or the sense of gnawing guilt I would feel if I failed to follow through on it.

Gnomes aside, after reading the article, I decided a life list of my own might be in order, if only so I can look back at it some day and chuckle at how naive I was.

So here’s my list, or anyway, as much of it as I want to publish in a public forum that my mother reads:

• Become an eskabo da’an master.
• Be a foreign correspondent.
• Write a novel.
• Experience childbirth.
• Become fluent in Spanish.
• Learn to swing dance (well).
• Ride in a horse race.
• Live on a boat for at least a month.
• Save a life.
• Have a lasting love.

Many of my goals, as I discovered, were already pretty popular on 43 Things, although there were no other aspiring eskabo daan masters. The closest I found was “become an eskrima legend,” which only one person listed. Of course, he also wanted to “find out the color of my aura.” Ew. And although there were plenty of people out there who wanted to “have a baby,” none of them besides me were in it apparently out of mere curiousity about the experience of childbirth. I suppose that’s probably a good thing for humanity in general.

Among other notable entries: four people want to “unicycle around Australia” while one mean individual wants to “run over a clown.” Seven idealistic souls hope to own a unicorn, and 125 want to go to Mars.

One fellow or lady wants pay tribute to Johnny Cash by shooting a man in Reno. Eight want to shoot themselves.

Thirteen respondents hopefully expect to “acquire a harem” and 62 plan to “discuss sex very loudly in a restaurant,” something that my friend Donna could probably give them tips on.

Six people have a slightly disturbing wish to “have sadomasochistic sex with someone who isn’t into that sort of thing” — of those, two also want to steal your kidney. One of them, however, also plans to “stop being a giant douche bag,” although whether that comes before or after stealing your kidney is unclear.

Fifty-eight people hope to take part in a prison break, while five more sensibly want to “stay out of prison.”

Fifty-eight want to singlehandedly “end the Occupation of Iraq,” while one poor sucker wants to “deploy to Iraq,” one, heartwrenchingly, wants to “redeploy from Iraq” and two respondents want to drop bombs on Iraq. 16,810 people want to fall in love, 12,053 want to get married, and 212 are hoping to have an affair.

But this is the United States of America, after all, and the lovers are outnumbered by the pudgy, with 25,315 hoping to lose weight. In fact, that was, depressingly, the number one goal, beating out “stop procrastinating,” “fall in love,” “write a book” and “be happy.”