It’s 5 a.m. and I haven’t been able to get to sleep despite trying for several hours. Of course, there’s no particular reason for me to go to sleep at any particular time these days, other than for the sake of propriety and in order to not feel like a sluggard. I have been unemployed for a week now. In another week, I will shove all of my wordly goods into my long-suffering Ford Escort wagon (again) and drive nearly 2,000 miles to Chicago, where I will be once again starting over in a new life.
The new life, this time, is graduate school at Northwestern University’s Medill School of Journalism, where I’m hoping to hone my skills and learn new ones, make some connections, and hopefully rekindle my excitement about my chosen profession.
I hope this is the right thing to be doing. It has come home to me these last few months that I don’t have all the time in the world. I’ll be 27 in a month — the age when the rock stars die — and there’s only so much time left when I will still be hungry enough to uproot myself for a new prospect, chasing a chance at glory or just a good story to tell later. I might want to settle down one day, gather moss, get married, even reproduce.
I will honestly miss Barstow — the bleak expanses of desert, the run-down motels of East Main Street and truck stops in Lenwood, and the people — especially the people. But it’s not the place to stay long if you want to make a career, not my career anyway. A few years ago, it would have been ideally positioned. I would have put in my year here and moved up to one of the bigger papers “down the hill,” as Barstonians call everything below the Cajon Pass. But those papers have all been shedding reporters like snakeskin, and the ladder that was once readily available is not there now.
So here we go again. Once I arrive in Chicago, I know I’ll be excited and interested in the new scenery, projects and people I will find. But right now I’m allowing myself the luxury of being tired, a little bit melancholy and a little bit dubious about the future.